Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I am a butterfly.

I am a butterfly. I am free. I am beautiful. I fly. I come and go, just as shadows and stars do. You can't tie me down. I am like the wind. I am innocent and pure.

Let's start at the beginning of this journey, shall we?

When I started seventh grade, my self esteem and self worth were at rock bottom. I was awkward. I was sad. I felt so alone. I was friendless, because I was shy. And when I did talk to people, my negativity drove them away. I think that I was so depressed because my main goal was to be "popular." I thought that the life of expensive clothes, cell phones, boyfriends and Jr. High parties seemed amazing. I was so jealous of that one girl that all the guys liked. The one that wore all the new Anthropologie items, while I was shopping at TJ Maxx and Ross. I pushed my quirks aside and tried to shove myself into this "popular girl" mold, which my body didn't fit. But, when I started hanging out with the "popular" kids, I thought I was happy. But now looking back, I see an uphappy little girl trying so hard to please people that didn't even really like her, or want to be her friend. 

This is how I ended seventh grade. "Popular." And it didn't feel as good as I thought it would feel. I found myself in uncomfortable situations. Kids watching rated R movies, talking about inappropriate things, not acting like seventh graders. And I wasn't even ready to give up sleeping with my baby blanket, let alone talk about sex and other things. (and I still sleep with my baby blanket. it's okay Harley does too.)

The summer before eighth grade I was miserable. Calling my dad to come pick me up when my friends were watching R rated movies, crying to my mom about how I couldn't stay out until 1:00 in the morning, doing things that I don't even want to do now.

(Quick side note: I'm not saying I was completely depressed and miserable for all of my Jr. High experience. I was actually quite happy. But now that I've felt the love of real friends, and real love for myself, I just wish that I could've felt that earlier)

So, walking into eighth grade, I was miserable. I was confused about who I was, and what my values were. I started to compare myself to others. I never felt pretty enough, talented enough or smart enough. Things got worse as my "friends" started to ignore me. Did things without telling me. Left me out. The weight of the world was piling high on my little 13-year old shoulders, and I was about to collapse. And no one knew about my heavy load because I never told anyone anything. I kept all my concerns to myself.

I have to admit, I was a pretty good actress.

I think I hit rock bottom near the end of eighth grade. I was watching a movie at someone's house, and everyone had paired off. There I was, sitting in the corner of that L-shaped couch, feeling sick to my stomach. No one would sit by me, or talk to me. I finally went outside and sat on the swings, tears flowing freely. I usually don't cry. Especially in public. I hated (and still hate) showing signs of weakness. But there I was, sobbing on the swings. I called my mom and asked her to come pick me up. I decided I was done with these people. I was done feeling so inferior, and I was done feeling bad about myself.

I think the thing that mostly pushed me over the edge was when I called one of my friends that wasn't there. He talked to me and listened to me, and none of those kids inside would ever do that. They wouldn't listen to me cry and let it out. They would tell me to shut up and grow up. I realized that friends are supposed to make you feel uplifted, not dragging you down. So I was done. I didn't hate those kids. I still don't. I get along with some of them today, some of us are friends. But then, us being friends was like swimming in toxic waste. Drowning it it. So I cut myself off of the "popular" kids. No, I didn't stand on the stage at school dance and announce it. It was done quietly. I just slipped out of their lives.

I'll admit, it was lonely. But that pressure was off of my chest, and I felt so much lighter. I wasn't the girl that went out every Saturday night. I spent a few solitary nights in my PJs watching Pixar. And you know what? That's perfectly okay. The more I spent time alone, I got to know myself a little better.

I'm not saying that I looked in the mirror and had a full on conversation. But being alone for a little while gave me time to realize what I wanted, what kind of person I wanted to be, and what I felt comfortable with. I didn't need compliments or boys trying to get my attention to feel good about myself. I didn't need those new clothes, hair highlights, that high end makeup. I was perfectly happy with my TJ Maxx sweater and my Covergirl mascara. Still am.

As eighth grade ended, I looked back and realized that I had made so many new friends, and had so many experiences. Experiences that I couldn't have had if I were tying myself down. I felt great about myself, and about others.

Entering ninth grade, I was probably as confident as a person could be. I finally let my crazy personality come out, and I think I shocked a lot of people. But I was happy as a clam. I wore my Harry Potter robes to school, talked as loud as I wanted, and just had a grand time at school. I loved ninth grade, because I was finally ME. With no masks. I would proudly tell my friends I bought my shirt at Plato's closet. I would proudly proclaim my love for Lord of the Rings. Ninth grade was filled with so many new and amazing experiences and friends.

Then the best summer ever happened to me.

This last summer was the best summer ever. In the history of mankind. I've already blogged and blogged about it, but I'll tell you again. The Jazz Band Trip, Trek, Girl's Camp, making new friend, it was just plain perfect.

This summer I realized that friends are fun, and nice, and non-backstabbing, and everything good in this world. Those kids changed my whole perspective on friendship, and love for my friends. And I love them so much for that. I would go on and on about how much I love them, but I won't. Because then they'll think I'm creepy. And because I've already exclaimed how much I love them.

And now we're here at the present. Me, loving life, being a little quieter than last year. A little more humble. But now I'm the happiest I've ever been. Change is good. Change is very good.

No comments:

Post a Comment